all of these penguins are wearing hats.

Posted by Jeremy Clarke on May 20, 2004 · General

nothing

There is a tiny place inside my head where I have been hiding to avoid being there when I call people to do surveys all day long, which is what I have been doing since school ended.

Uneventfully, there is very little in this tiny space, and the United-Statsers who I have been calling make it in far too often. (to any unitedstatsers in the audience do not feel insulted, I understand that you are barraged by telephonic solicitations, I merely hate to be among them)

Queerly enough, today was the day when my dignity was stolen from me by a tv prank crew from Just For Laughs. It was a sketchy, pretty unfunny, and ultimately botched joke about doing a survey for Health Canada and going to have the final questions asked by a doctor in the next room, which seems to the trickee to be a bathroom where the angry doctor is performing and act of defecation. Of course, they sent me too early, and I just saw an empty doctorless room, so they had to stall me and send me back, which faded the gag a tad.

I would show you a picture of these ridiculous people, but my batteries were completely dead. my creation depends on portable electricity.

You should be reading a book by Kurt Vonnegut, I have been doing it for years, and have never once been left unsatisfied.

Novels by kurt vonnegut are better than sex in that regard at least.

Posted by Jeremy Clarke on May 20, 2004 · General

10 Comments

  1. allie

    i don’t understand… was your boss in on the joke or something?

    i always wondered if someone i knew would get caught up in one of these ridiculous pranks….

    May 20th, 2004 at 12:29 am

  2. Jamie

    Lindsay was caught by the just for laughs crew. some dude pretended like she crushed his hand in the trunk of a car after he asked her to help him close it. She got so upset she cried and someone had to chase her down and calm her. It was really bad.

    May 20th, 2004 at 1:31 am

  3. MatthewC

    Any suggestion on which Kurt Vonnegut book to start with?

    May 20th, 2004 at 10:35 am

  4. -m

    kurt vonnegut, better than sex? hmmm i never thought about it that way, but you could be on to something.

    i would start with cat’s craddle, but that’s just me. it’s my favourite book ever.

    May 20th, 2004 at 11:39 am

  5. jane

    bastard!

    i’m the only one you’ve ever had sex with!

    May 20th, 2004 at 11:52 am

  6. jer

    1. the just for laughs gag was performed by pulling people off the street into a seedy empty townhouse. i was nowhere near my work.

    2. that is a horrible story about lindsay.

    3. I strongly recommend Breakfast of Champions and Slaughterhouse Five.

    4. I second the motion for instating Cat’s Cradle as awesome.

    5. I both meant “sex” in general, and meant no insult. My own failings contribute to my disatisfaction (at rare times, i merely said that i had NEVER been unsatisfied by big K) as much as anything else.

    May 20th, 2004 at 4:34 pm

  7. aiden

    are you saying you’d rather have read KV than have sex?…what kind of sex are you having, jer? i love Kurt too, but if the oppertunity came up to read one of his books or have sex, i don’t think i would be sitting there thinking ‘well, i know i like sex, but i think i like Kurt more.’ i wonder if this thinking changes when you get steady sex. like, the sex will be there later, i have to return this book to the library on monday…

    May 21st, 2004 at 9:16 pm

  8. Li

    lol I dont know man Kurt Vonnegut is pretty good, I’d suggest starting with Slaughterhouse V, but then again I’ve only read that one book by him. Still, better than sex? hmmmmm…. I think I’ll have to agree with aiden on this one

    May 24th, 2004 at 11:30 pm

  9. jer

    i just want to make it clear here that i meant only that i had NEVER BEEN DISSAPOINTED IN KURT, unlike sex, and that in this way alone are his books better than the copulatory arts.

    :: OTHER THINGS THAT VONNEGUT NOVELS ARE BETTER THAN GIVEN THAT CRITERIA ::

    – vacations
    – report cards
    – being drunk
    – refer
    – gadgets
    – changing your hair
    – batman films
    – banking
    – relationships
    – kisses
    – danses
    – open-source
    – the new album by your favorite band
    – stuff you drew
    – long pointless lists

    May 24th, 2004 at 11:44 pm

  10. jer

    corr. REEFER

    May 24th, 2004 at 11:44 pm

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