About Jer and Gender

TL;DR My name is Jer and I am not a man

My gender is non-binary, which means I am neither male nor female, the two states possible in the gender binary. I identify as agender, which means I do not believe in my own gender and/or don’t have one. Both of these mean I am genderqueer, because they are weird.

I was assigned male at birth (AMAB) with the name Jeremy and the pronouns he/him. I feel like I have been failing my male assignment my whole life and have decided to drop the class.

Jer is my real name. Most people call me that and it makes me happy. Jer is also much more gender neutral than Jeremy so it’s important to me that Jer is considered my full name. 

Please use they/them as my pronouns to talk about me in the third person rather than he/him. Usually you should just say “Jer” instead of he or him and “Jer’s” instead of his like “I say Jer’s name the first time I mention them in a sentence.”

I will not be mad if you forget and I am happy to answer questions if anyone has them. I’m hoping you will accept me as I am and do your best to respect my identity.

This shouldn’t be a huge shock to my friends

If you know me well, this information is probably both news and ancient history. Here are some things that most of my friends take for granted:

  • You should call me “Jer”, it’s shorter, it’s more fun and it’s what I prefer.
  • I don’t fit into masculine stereotypes about most things.
  • I often come off as a gay man and love it when people mistake me for one.
  • I also wish I was a lesbian.
  • I’m a raging feminist and SJW about almost everything.
  • I wish everyone was gender neutral.
  • I’ve never felt like I am a real man, or wanted to be one.

Maybe that last one is a bit heavier than most conversations get, but it’s been true since university, when I learned that gender and sex didn’t have to mean the same thing.

At the time no one told me about non-binary, genderqueer or agender as identities I could have for myself, just the option of being binary-female if I wanted. That option didn’t and doesn’t have much appeal to me, it would just be another kind of drag like the male drag I’ve been doing my whole life.

Recently I’ve been reading about gender and the different labels and definitions people use to describe themselves. The more I read about gender non-conforming people, the more I realized I was reading about myself.

What makes me non-binary?

This list isn’t necessary, but I’m including it for anyone curious what, in particular, being genderqueer means in my own life.

  • When people say “him“, “guy” or even “Jeremy” about me, it reminds me that my internal understanding of myself doesn’t match how people think of me.
  • When people use male language like “handsome” to describe me, it feels inaccurate.
  • When people use female or unspecific language like “beautiful” it makes me feel good.
  • I tried growing my hair so it would look more feminine and I love it.
  • I tried nail polish for a goth party and loved it so much I wear it most of the time now.
  • I tried dresses and skirts and it made me feel really happy.

I don’t know how I will present in the future, but you can expect me to do things that “men shouldn’t do” with my fashion, grooming, behavior and everything else. This is okay both because I’m not a man, and because men can do anything they want whether they are trans or not.

Maybe in the long run I’ll seem “normal” and everyone will assume I’m a man, maybe I’ll be perfect neutral androgynous and everyone will be confused. It seems very unlikely, but maybe I’ll get to a point where people think I’m a woman.

Either way I suspect I will always be non-binary inside, and I plan to live that reality in public.

Thank you for your attention if you’ve read through all of this, and for any understanding and patience you can bring to the challenge of honoring my identity and wishes.

Readings

agender pride flag
Agender pride flag from Wikimedia

Humblenoia: A fear of ironic compliments

If you are truly humble then someone giving you a complement makes you feel a little bit humblenoid.

Humblenoia is that feeling when you hear something nice about yourself, but you don’t believe it.

The humblenoiac is often found refusing compliments and, paradoxically, arguing against their own merits.

Readings