5ives and homophobes

Tom was nice enough to point out that 5ives beat me to the Hummer-dissing party by at least two years with this decision clincher:

Five great reasons to buy a Hummerâ„¢

1. You’ve been wanting to buy much wider groceries (but have been stymied by the timid width of your Escalade)
2. You and your make-believe wife were thinking of having 11 or 12 imaginary kids
3. You’re sick of always being the environment’s goddamned bitch
4. You could totally put a keg back there and just drive around and shit
5. They were all out of penises

While on the subject, it’s fun to note that the post for my video on ihumpedyourhummer.com got a completely disproportionate amount of hate comments from the Hummer-loving community, with gems like:

Dude, you are so GAY. First of all, you’re dressed like a fag and you hump a Hummer like it’s your boyfriend’s ass.

and

Big jeepy will kill you all – blue succers!!!

I mean, proving that the internet is full of jerks isn’t exactly a challenge, but it’s fun to imagine why they chose me specifically for their textual gay-bashing: Do I look more gay? Is it really my pants and/or “pizza face” as mentioned in a few of the comments? I’d ask a real-life Hummer enthusiast in person but I doubt they could perform the necessary oral motor-functions to respond coherently (/snap).