- Youâ€™ve been wanting to buy much wider groceries (but have been stymied by the timid width of your Escalade)
- You and your make-believe wife were thinking of having 11 or 12 imaginary kids
- Youâ€™re sick of always being the environmentâ€™s goddamned bitch
- You could totally put a keg back there and just drive around and shit
- They were all out of penises
While on the subject, it’s fun to note that the post for my video on ihumpedyourhummer.com got a completely disproportionate amount of hate comments from the Hummer-loving community, with gems like:
Dude, you are so GAY. First of all, youâ€™re dressed like a fag and you hump a Hummer like itâ€™s your boyfriendâ€™s ass.
Big jeepy will kill you all – blue succers!!!
I mean, proving that the internet is full of jerks isn’t exactly a challenge, but it’s fun to imagine why they chose me specifically for their textual gay-bashing: Do I look more gay? Is it really my pants and/or “pizza face” as mentioned in a few of the comments? I’d ask a real-life Hummer enthusiast in person but I doubt they could perform the necessary oral motor-functions to respond coherently (/snap).